I was recently texting with a friend whose two children were heading off to college overseas and she wrote, “I’m nervous about what I’ll do?” I know she is very proud of her children, she loves them deeply and is excited about their new beginnings but there is no hiding the fact that it is hard for her, as it is for all parents, to put on a brave face when her children are leaving home. Whether it be for college, employment, moving in with friends, travelling the globe, as children leave, a parent’s heart can feel like it is being torn apart as they grieve silently and hide behind a smiling, ever-encouraging facade.
Parents may be excited that their child is finally ready to tackle the world independently and they may be pleased that the many lessons they will have taught them and the challenges they helped overcome will have been successful. Parents will put their own feelings aside and help their children learn their last lessons towards independence as they say goodbye to family and friends, especially if they are changing cities, states or even countries. But even if there may be much about which parents may be proud, this pride will be replaced by a void as they will be left hiding their feelings of emptiness and loneliness as their hearts break and they grieve for the roles and responsibilities that they will have lost.
“A delusion we have is that we can take a sincere path in life without having our heart broken. If you think about the path of parenting, there’s never been a mother or father since the beginning of time, who hasn’t had their heart broken by their children. And nothing dramatic has to happen. All they have to do is grow up — and it happens.“
L Humphreys, 2022
I could write about the wonderful things that the young people have in store for them as they finish school and head to new beginnings. Maybe they will study the course of their dreams, get exposed to a host of new opportunities and even change surroundings and cultures. Maybe they will immerse themselves in new experiences, places, architecture, cities and find unlimited opportunities to travel. I could write about the fun times, parties, clubs, concerts, cultural activities and new relationships that young people may explore, all without the prying and ever-watchful eye of parents. But this post is not about the children heading off exciting adventures, it is about those people, the Empty-Nesters, who are left behind, and whose smiles, as they wave goodbye, hide an immeasurable pain.
Children leaving home can both be a blessing and a curse and parents deal with their departure in different ways. Some will be excited about the chance for new beginnings and look forward to their newfound freedom. Other empty-nesters, however, struggle and will need time to process and grieve. No matter whether a parent is sad or excited when their child moves out of home, there are some things that may be worth considering that may help in their transition to becoming empty-nesters.
Parents may want to consider avoiding keeping their child’s bedroom exactly as it used was when the child left otherwise it can give the message that the parents are just waiting for them to come home. Instead, reflecting upon the new family dynamics and consider utilising the space more effectively or even changing its use altogether may be more positive route to travel. Maybe it could become a quiet reading room, a new office, a workroom, or even the workout space that was always dreamt about but never became a reality?
Empty-nesters might want to avoid trying to guilt-trip children into returning home for a visit and try not to fall apart (at least on the surface) if the children choose to spend vacation time with friends. Although parents may feel that their children have “family commitments” this independence is what parents have trained their children for all their lives. Keeping in contact is important (and the internet makes it so easy) but children need to be set free to explore, experience and enjoy all that the world has to offer otherwise all their independence training was a waste of time!
…otherwise all their independence training was a waste of time!
When children do come home, and they will, empty-nesters might have to consider treating them like the independent adults they have become. Although parents can always expect children to be considerate of their feelings, as well as the home expectations. they can no longer be expected to be the kids of old and, as uncomfortable as it may seem to start, the parent-child relationship will be on a completely new and more equal footing.
When keeping in contact it is recommended that empty-nesters keep conversations relaxed and comfortable, and as hard as it may be for parents, let the children initiate the calls so that their social lives, classes or work meetings are not impinged upon. Empty-nesters might consider be ever mindful against making the phone an extended umbilical cord into adulthood
How empty-nesters let their children deal with the hurdles and tribulations they encounter, often says more about the parent’s dependence on the child than it does the child’s dependence on the parent. If a parent feels secretly pleased when a child is feeling miserable or has not found a solution to an issue they have encountered, it could be a sign that the parent “needs to feel needed”. Instead of finding ways for children to be dependent, Empty-Nesters may wish to provide active support and help their children face their challenges by listening, offering advice if asked, helping children process the situation and giving them time and space to explore possible solutions and allowing them to choose the one that works for them.
After allowing themselves time to adjust to the changes in the household, empty-nesters need to focus on the positives of their children’s departure. Electricity, gas, phone, water and especially food bills will decrease and therefore there will be great saving potential for that dream holiday with the spouse, the new makeover for the lounge room, weekly dinners out to celebrate a parenting job well done or even the opening of a savings account for a rainy day. There will be less cleaning, washing, ironing, and cooking and trips to the shops to buy necessities will be less rigorous experiences. Most importantly, however, opportunities for romance between spouses may increase as partners will have the time, space and privacy to return to being a “couple”.
There are steps that parents may wish to consider that may help with their transition to their own independence. The first and foremost is to allow themselves time to adjust to the idea of not being “needed” on a daily basis. Empty-nesters have to understand that their child’s departure may arouse feelings of redundancy and this can be accompanied by feelings of being lost, unworthy, and unsure about the future. They also need to realise that it is okay to feel sad and even to cry a little as this is a normal, healthy reaction (and it doesn’t matter what other people think or say about “getting on with it”). Empty-nesters need to allow grief to work through their system and, for some, this process may take one to two years!
allow themselves time to adjust to the idea of not being “needed” on a daily basis.
Unfortunately, however, some parents will have a tougher time separating from their children than others and this may include those:
- Who found it hard to leave home themselves,
- In an unhappy or unstable marriage,
- Who derived much of their self-identity from being a parent,
- Who find any change experience stressful,
- Who parented full-time with no external work,
- Who are overly worried that their children are not ready to live independently
Regardless of parenting style, it is okay for empty-nesters to feel sad initially but it becomes a problem when this sadness becomes a weight that stands in the way of life. This is especially the case if they start thinking that life is no longer worthwhile, or if they are unable to resume a normal life.
For most parents, however, there will be a time when grief dissipates and it will be at this time that parents can start to fully realise the big change in their lives. This will be the time for empty-nester to revive past interests and pursuits and those things that they promised that would “get around to one day”. They may wish to consider taking up a hobby, indulging in fine arts, travelling, writing a blog, engaging in studies, restarting a career, up-skilling or volunteering in the community. Empty-nesters might want to think about making new friends and reconnecting with ones who may have dropped from view as these connections will be an important part of their new beginnings. But a word of warning, this transition may not be all a bed of roses for Empty-nesters if their children had helped cement together the relationship between partners as any cracks will become clearly visible.
Empty-nesters will need to work on their relationship in an effort to restore what may be neglected over the years and it can be especially difficult if they discover that they were parents for so long that they had forgotten how to be lovers. They will need to be gentle on each other and know that each of them has changed in ways that neither had envisaged when they first fell in love. They will need to see that this new beginning is an opportunity to rediscover each other and spending time together, talking, communicating and even taking a vacation might create the opportunity for their relationship to blossom. Sadly, though, nothing will patch up the reality that some spouses will have grown apart and some serious decisions will have to be made about how best to move forward.
Empty-nesters can gain solace from the fact that if they are feeling a little glum about not being so “needed” any more then they are definitely not alone in their struggles to find a new balance, meaning and purpose in their lives. It is definitely okay for anyone to feel sad, for a while, but if any empty-nester finds that they are not coping, are feeling a deep sense of emptiness or sadness, are unable to get their life back on track, or realise that their relationship with their spouse is beyond repair then it is important to get help and talk to a professional… Remember, there is always someone who will listen!
(This post is dedicated to family members and friends who have found themselves at a time of new beginnings. I congratulate them for all that they have done to raise empowered, confident and independent young men and women who have what it takes to go forth and make their mark on the world… An achievement of which they need to be so very proud!)
Email: barry@dremac.co